I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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