I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
third nipple confirmed
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