woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
