he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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