Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
