My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
