So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
