Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
