Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
