I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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