Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?