I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
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Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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