I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
