i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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