life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Drunk is not a location!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
