it was like his penis was on wheels.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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