So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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