is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She's the barista slut.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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