Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize