I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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