loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
