those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
