a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
