Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
