There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
