your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
