explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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