I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
