Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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