I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
