she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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