I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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