exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
