according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
