so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
