Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Randomize
