My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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