I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
