I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
