it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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