Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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