It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
