The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
