Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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