Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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