she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
