Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
