so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
