I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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