Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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