i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
