this beer tastes like vomit already
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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