he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
