When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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