i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
