pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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