I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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