listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
